|  Author | Topic: A sample RP (Read 193 times) |
Kimiko's Storm
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Karma: 0 |  | A sample RP
« Thread Started on Apr 14, 2006, 9:29am » | ![[Quote]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
Well this is from another site I'm on, an FMA site where I tried out for Al...
Al placed his hands on the large and intricate transmutation circle one minute after his brother. He felt the warm, yellow alchemic light swirl around him, and he bathed in the fact that the transmutation seemed sucessful. The room turned and ominous red fairly quickly and Al shouted worriedly "Brother, something's wrong." He started yelling louder as he felt his leg being torn apart, and it wasn't just his leg, the small black hands wrapped around his entire body, making him scream even louder. "BROTHER!!" He saw a large set of doors coming towards him as he felt himself being ripped apart, he yelled one final time "BROTHER! HELP ME!" as he was pulled into the gate.
He blacked out for a second before he was pulled back again, his soul anyway. He woke up, groaning, and he heard the shifting of metal. He mentally asked, still bleary. Is that me? He became more aware and when everything came into view he saw his brother cursing on his hand and knee. He saw bloody rags wrapped around where his brother lost his limbs and asked confusedly "Brother, what happened?" His brother explained to him and he finally realized what happened. He picked his brother up and asked "What happened to mom?" Not sure he'd like the answer. He looked to where his brother was pointing and gasped. He said "No." softly and asked. "What went wrong, all our calculations were correct, weren't they?" His brother said "It wasn't the calculations that were wrong, it was us." Al looked down at his brother one last time and started off towards the Rockbell's. His brother needed medical attention, and fast.
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Joined: Feb 2006
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Karma: 0 | | Re: A sample RP
« Reply #1 on Apr 18, 2006, 7:59pm » | |
Yes, you are litterate. Very nice. The length is great, and the detail. I think you pulled off Al very nicely.
You have a great writing style, but you might want to put a bit more detail in there surroundings. Example:
He became more aware, and when everything came into view he saw his brother cursing on the floor, shaking in pain, his hand and knee. He saw next to his badly wounded brother, bloody rags, that matched the bloody rags wrapped around where his brother lost his limbs.
Also, keep a sharp eye out for grammer mistakes, I spotted a few. Over all, you are litterate, and you wrote this rp sample very well.
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